Looking back at 2017

Hello. Since it is the new year, I want to do a wrap-up of 2017. I want to look back in 2017 and recall the events that made me who I am today. And, share a little bit of my insecurities and how I overcome them last year.

At the beginning of 2017, I got a chance to do an internship with an embassy. It was the best decision I made to kick start the year.  I also met some of the most amazing people. Taking up this internship gave me a huge boost in confidence in my Japanese skills, interpersonal and creative skills.

After the internship officially ended, I focused on the dreaded Japanese-style job hunting. This job-hunting is the most mentally stressful thing I ever had to experience throughout my entire 4-5 years in Japan. This was one of the most difficult hurdles I have had to face so far. And I thought settling in and university was difficult. My Japanese language had been stagnant for about two years now and there was hardly any improvements even though I had no problem with everyday conversations. But the series of interviews and re-write of my Japanese resume helped improved my Japanese to the point where I am a lot better at conveying my opinions and in general, things that I want to say without feeling like I half-assed it. Nevertheless, I feel like this experience really helped improved my Japanese language a lot. Overall, I felt that this experience was really eye-opening. Overcoming this really made me feel a lot more confident and that there is nothing I can't overcome as long as I keep working hard on it. I am really thankful to my university's career adviser for helping me with the whole job-hunting process because I couldn't have done it by myself without him.

At the end of summer, I had two unexpected news and opportunity presented to me. Firstly, I received two job offers. I was so happy when I got the news as it was completely unexpected. After months of getting rejected from interviews, I thought this would have the same ending. Initially, I struggled to decide which company I decided to go for because both had their strengths. Eventually, I had to make a decision, so I did. And, so far attending newcomer get-together parties had been quite enjoyable.

Secondly, I received a part-time job offer that was completely unexpected. It was like as if god made this possible so I will be ready when the real deal comes in 2018. So, I begun my part-time job working in a Japanese office for one of their side projects as a social media coordinator. Everyone was so kind and friendly that I did not want to leave this job after graduation but due to some visa regulations, I had to. Nevertheless, the few months in the company was a good learning experience for me and I will take all the things I've learnt to my new job starting in a few months. I will forever be thankful to the opportunity given to me.

Finally, I managed to graduate from university with a Bachelors in International Affairs, minoring in Japanese. I struggled with three writing intensive classes during my final semester because my motivation levels was close to nothing. All I wanted to do was graduate since I already settled my job-hunting. The biggest take-away from the semester was my Japanese capstone class (Basically, a class that Japanese majors need to graduate, kinda like a final thesis class if you will?). The class wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be but the real worry was doing a full-on presentation and a 5000 words essay in Japanese for the first time. Despite living in Japan for close to five years, my writing skills had been the worst and I haven't done presentations in Japanese at all. All these while, it had been one of the reasons why when people compliment my Japanese skills, I'd flat out say "no, I'm not good at it." It wasn't even tatemae, it was what I really feel deep down inside. So knowing that I need to overcome this before i actually start work, I took on this challenge (though it was unintended) while I am still in a protected school environment and pushed through the semester. By the end of the semester, I can confidently say that all the insecurities about my lack of skills in presentation and writing (or typing if you will) in Japanese has been debunk! I'm still not 100% perfect in my language but I don't think it is a huge hurdle for me anymore since there isn't a huge mental block in me anymore.

To sum-up, 2017 was a intense but a very fulfilling and enriching year. This is one of those years that I felt that I overcame a lot my uncertainties and grew a lot as a person. I am very extremely lucky to be given these opportunities and I am forever thankful. x

With Love,
C.


PS: I begun writing short records of my days on my Instagram because I don't have the time to write a blog post all the time. I am glad I did because it was an alternative for me to share my days and life in Japan. I hope to continue to do so in 2018 and share more things about my life in Japan. Of course, I am not saying goodbye to this space.

PPS: I am reaching my 5th year anniversary in a few months time and I want to do something memorable about it. I'm not sure what I want to do yet but I want to make it something I can look back on and feel proud about my journey thus far. 

Internship

This internship has been one of the best thing ever happened to me since the start of the new year. It feels great to be doing something else other than school. I also got a chance to meet new people and fair bit of translation from Japanese to English, vice-versa. I'm looking forward to the next couple of months with this amazing team of people while I juggle everything else so I can adjust smoothly from a college student back into a working adult after graduation (which is still months away but then again time files. Yes, no?).

What if

Somehow, I was presented with a second chance to take on the "first choice" I gave up previously. It was something that lingered in my mind once in a while when I was in deep thought. I thought it might be a hint of regret I was feeling.

I took the chance and realised that it wasn't exactly regret. I just wanted to know the "what if". Now that I know the "what if", I was simply filled with disappointment and relief. Relieved that I didn't let my stubbornness hold me back.

Sometimes, it's better to leave the "what ifs" and it is. 

Repetitive days

Summer semester has begun and I've survived the first week of uni. I've also reached third year mark of living in Japan. I am happy how far I've come in regards to live in a foreign country. I really want to be dedicated more time to keeping a record of my life in Japan in this space that I have been trying to keep for awhile now. I'm not sure if I will be able to keep up with this promise to myself because at my current stage, life isn't as interesting as it suppose or should be. I don't have much things to write about because my days had been quite repetitive and peaceful. I am thankful for that. But there isn't much worth writing about unless I want to keep a food diary of my home cooked food with B or the progress of my games that I've been playing. I'm not sure what I'll do with this space but I'm keeping it indefinitely. I mean, I'll never know when it will start getting interesting again. I'll still update once in awhile when I feel like I want to scribble(type) something down. x

Growth

I've begun to be more selective of the friends I make; friends as in those I would want to keep. Instead of making a bunch of 'hi-bye' friends, I would rather have lesser of those and continue building the relationships with the ones that I already have. I'm not sure if this is an 'age' thing. Though I do believe it does have some relation to it because I wasn't as selective as I am right now few years ago.

I am at the point where I don't care if I might look anti-social because my real friends would know who I am and how I'd react to situations. I don't even bother voicing my opinions as much as I use to unless I know I am in the right situation to. I am trying my best-est to transit into a working adult, trying to don a more mature look while I still have the time to experiment as a mature student in an institution where it is dominated by teenagers trying to figure out what they want to do with life.

More dresses, pumps, pants and begone with the fringe. I want to fit into the 'adult world' without being told I look 16 anymore.

Hello.

All I am going to say is, this might be a 'perfect' chance for me to really focus on myself and motherland and re-organise myself. This might be also a chance for me to take a break from everything and shift gears and reexamine everything that has happened thus far. I'll give myself and motherland a chance. I'll try to like everything that there is from inside the country. 

Hello Singapore. I will be staying a little longer than intended. x

Silhouette

Silhouette @ Odaiba, Tokyo Japan.

It's the mid of July. How are you feeling?

I'm as fine as I can be or at least... try to be. I'm not sure if it is alright to feel this confused at the last leg of my time here. I feel stupid to be asking people for advices and not being able to settle down on one. At much as I want to fill my space with positivity, all I do is fill it with angst. I don't care what people will think of me at the end of the day. All I want to know is how I think about myself; how I will feel at the end of the day. Regrets? Guilty? Contentment?

I don't know.

Fucking Terrified

I don't know what I'm feeling half the time these days. When I think about my future, I get nervous and excited. Yet, I know deep down instead I'm terrified. Fucking terrified.

I look back at my photos of my life in Japan. It was brilliant. I love it. I love the people, I love what the culture can offer me, I love every single bit of it; The ups, the downs and the mundane days. But yet, I feel like breaking out of this place because I'm getting too attached, too accustomed to this place. 

The ambitious and adventurous side of me wants to go explore the other side of the world. The reticent and cautious side of me just wants to stay because why not? I'm not ignoring the fact that earthquakes are mighty scary, but that's mother nature. It's not something made up socially so it's all about getting use to it.

I'm thinking that because the path in front of me is full of uncertainties. Why would anyone is the right mind give up everything and start all over again? Especially starting over in a place where you've never been but only dreamed of?

Yet, I have this hunch that if I go on ahead and chase that rainbow on the other side of the world, I might actually be able to find what I want. I might be able to accomplish something. I mean, it's all about the journey, isn't it?

Y'know, I didn't feel this way when I was left with months or weeks before leaving for Japan. I guess it was because I didn't have anything. I was just starting out. I was trying to find my place in the world. Now that I  finally found a place in the world, It makes it a lot harder to step out again. Why? Because we, humans, seek stability.

I need to find more resolve for this journey or I'll get left behind. When will I find an answer to whatever I'm feeling right now? x

It's both exhilarating and nerve-wracking

Some of my best friends have graduated from college but I'm happy to still be able to meet up with them during my final semester. We're all looking forward to our graduation ceremony this August. It would be like a mini farewell to everyone as we all take on the next leap into another phase of our lives. Some will be heading to universities and some would go on ahead into the working society. Regardless of which path people take, everyone is moving on. It's really exhilarating and nerve-wracking just thinking about it.

I know it's still quite early to be talking about graduation since it's just the third week into my final semester. But I can't help thinking about it because time files without anyone realising it. I am willing to bet 1000 yen that before I know it, I'll be in my graduation gown (again). What can anyone really do to slow down time? No one. The scary part about nature.

I'm both excited and terrified about what's going to happen tomorrow, the day after next, and the weeks, months and years to come. When will I ever live in a life without fear and excitement? Never. Because that's also the beauty of life. I'm glad to be alive. x

PS: I've picked up a new book and I'm already one quarter into it. Amazing. I love reading memoirs.

Thank you for everything 'Papa Lee'

#RIPMrLeeKuanYew

I'm not good with words but I want to express some of my gratitude to my hero, also whom my family like to address him by - 'Papa Lee'.

Mr Lee, you've always been my hero. I am very sadden by the news of your passing.

I am grateful to able to live in a safe and prosperous country, Singapore, which I am proud to call my home. You've always been a strict fatherly figure to Singaporeans. Without you, I won't be able to be here. Neither would there be the Singapore I know of right now.

My eyes started swelling up with tears after receiving news about your passing. I couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't stop tearing every time I read the news about Mr Lee. I now understand how it is like to lose a fatherly figure and someone whom I really truly respect. I'm not sure what the future holds for Singapore now that you are gone. It's difficult to imagine the scene whereby you won't be waving to us during NDP anymore. It's difficult to imagine not having you around anymore since you've been around since the beginning of Singapore. #noYewnoUs

Now that you have joined your wife in heaven, I hope you will continue to watch over us like how you always have. Thank you for everything you've done for Singaporeans and Singapore.

With love and respect,
Charis, a proud Singaporean.

First rant of the year

This is my first update of the year 2015. I've decided to write because I couldn't sleep. I think I messed up my bio clock just before school re-opens.(hurray, NOT). This may sound more like a rant rather than anything happy. I apologise to be starting out so negatively. But, honestly, there are too many "I'm-so-thankful-for-all-the-memories-and-things-I've-learnt-and-experienced-in-2014,-thank-you-everyone-who-had-been-a-part-of-it" post so No Thank You. I am not going to jump on the bandwagon. Though, honestly, I do feel the same way as everyone else who posted that. I am thankful but I'm not going to make a post declaring my love because I think this sort of things should be private and only for my loved ones to know how I really feel. Also, because declaring your love on social networks are so overrated (Or should I say, so last year! lol).

Moving on... I just figured out the source of my anger, annoyance and irritation in the last few days. Yes, sorry to be a party pooper but I wasn't really in the mood to celebrate the new year. Just so you know, my source of annoyance had nothing to do with hormones. It was just something that happened which apparently had crossed my personal boundaries. Not to mention, I have a sore throat right now. It is giving me much discomfort that it is adding on to my annoyance. (what an awesome way to start the year 2015)

People who know me knows that I am usually pretty carefree, and I  can compromise to loads of things. This is perhaps the first time I felt so violated. Maybe violated isn't the best word but I can't think of any other words at the moment. At first, I thought it was because I was going through a phase in my life which I believe many would like to call it "quarter-life crisis". But, I wasn't really worrying about all that too much so that is definitely not it. Then, I thought it was because I was feeling lonely because I didn't go back home this winter holidays to hang out with my friends. Thankfully, I realised that it wasn't the case about few hours ago when I was trying to sleep and was in this "self-reflection-session-before-i-enter-dream-land" moment. So, I paced around my house, and try to do the usual things I do at home like, editing photos, watching animes and killing some zombies with my guy pals. Unfortunately, it didn't work at all.

Afterwhich, I decided to go into 'zen mode' in which I tell myself to calm down and do some observation and more self-reflection to find out the source of the whole problem. Then, a sudden enlightenment! I found the problem and there was really nothing I can do about it since the damage have been done. Now that I realised it, everytime I do happen to stumble upon it or think about it again, I get so pissed that I want to scream and punch somebody. However, since, I am a loving homosapien, I've decided not to. But it was also then, I started to get slightly depressed as I reflect how stupid I was. Following that, was my constant temptation to want to give myself a face-palm or a smack in the face.

This is basically how I started my year 2015. Not a very good start but I am hoping that the rest of the days until school reopens on the 5th would be a pleasant one. I do hope no one tries to break the solitude that I call my apartment and bed. Yes, even though I may seem like an extrovert, I am a homebody.

xoxo. Happy New Year.

PS; I've uploaded a bunch of backlog photos on my tumblr. If you would like to take a peek at it --> here &  here.
PSS; Some of the photos from my Osaka trip is also up there. If you would like to take a peek at it --> here & here.

Getting to Know Myself

Sunset taken somewhere near by my apartment.
6th of August

This is a post inspired by a blog post, "Getting To Know Myself", written by one of my mates, Edna. She, like me, went abroad to study language and fulfill part of our seemingly ambitious dream. She made it to Seoul, Korea, and I made it to Tokyo, Japan. She is now back in Singapore doing youtube videos (username bloodfest91) , mainly dance covers. Go check her out if you like kpop!

A few days ago, I had this conversation with one of my best friends, Pauline, aka my mentor. I was updating her with some of my plans, how I feel about certain things, my thoughts, people whom I've met and the things that happened since the last time we've talked. She just commented that I've grown up. Like, more than before, which makes me really happy. She also said that comparing with, perhaps, my peers, I might be one of those few who mature, mentally, faster. I can't disagree on that because I really can't find any of my friends who are of my age, who could give me the advices I need in life. Most of the time, they would either just say, 'good luck! I know you can do it', or 'I see. Knowing you, you'll be able to overcome it'. I'm honestly really thankful to have that mental support but I would prefer if there was a direction given. Like a legit advice based on experience. Like, if I were to choose this path what might be the possible outcome? I need such advices because I don't have room to make unnecessary mistakes. I'm an adult and I have to be responsible for my own choices. That is life and I accept that challenge.

After coming to Tokyo, Japan, for about a year and a half, I realized that I learnt to like myself a lot better. I still have insecurities but they are slowly getting better. These are the few things that I've realized and fully accepted.

I'm going to embrace inner beauty
An interesting personality and a kind heart is thousand times better than someone who has a hot body. When I was younger, I am always insecure about how I looked. People around me are always taller than 5ft 1, nicer facial features, popular, pretty and have tons of boyfriends. I was always the outcast. I am always the short one, has the 'always pissed off' look, not popular, always the cute but not the pretty and no boyfriends. Working in the AKBcafe in Singapore did not really help either because being in front of the public eyes can be quite intimidating. Also, I'm working with people who are much more prettier and cuter than I am. So I tried really hard to dress up to be 'pretty' and 'cute'. But that didn't really work out.

On that one fateful day, I realized that no one really cares. I'm average, that's totally cool. I'm 5ft 1, so what? At least it gives me all the reason to wear high heels and mini skirts! And, there are more important things than all the other superficial things in life. Besides, looks can be deceiving. I really think that if anyone who has an interesting personality will instantly get my attention. Someone who has charisma just seems more attractive. Instead of trying to look pretty, I'm now aiming to have more self-confidence. Like, having a confident smile and improve my interpersonal skills! I believe that is very important to help me succeed in life. Besides, one day I'll grow old too and that outer beauty won't last. I'd rather have a inner beauty that can last me until the day of my death bed. At least people will be able to say nicer things on the day of my funeral.

I'm ready to commit myself into a relationship
I won't say I 'need' a boyfriend but I do 'want' a boyfriend now. When I say I want a boyfriend, it simply means I'm ready to have another commitment in life and extra responsibility. I did manage to have a few relationships but none of them worked out. They were really short relationships too. Looking back, I think it was because I just have too many goals that I want to achieve at that point to really want to commit to anything. I use to think that relationships can hold me back from achieving what I want. Also, I believe that since I can't handle and be responsible for myself and my own life, how can I be responsible for my other half? I mean, I won't want a relationship where it's too one sided, where the boyfriend will be doing all the giving and I'm just receiving all the care and love. A balanced relationship where there is give and take, seems to be much more enjoyable and longer-lasting. I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of it.

Just recently, I realized that I am pretty contented with my life and I am much more responsible than before. Also, I have completed almost half of my life ambitions and perhaps, dropped a few. I'm just left with the final few goals which is attainable with or without a boyfriend. And, since I can handle most part of my life pretty well, I'm ready to take on that extra responsibility to take care and share my life with the significant other. But, I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down and have a family because that's a totally different story. But with that said, I'm also not going to settle just for any person. A little old and traditional but I hope that my future boyfriend will be 'the one'.

I am starting to accept everything about myself
Recently, I've learnt to embrace the positive and negative traits about myself. I use to 'try' to have a different personas and see which one suits me more. That's also why I had so many different nicknames before. (Ahh... so embarrassing! （*/∇＼*）) I tried to dress differently and act differently to fit in with the people around me. I also hated my name and how 'young' I looked from my actual age. There are many things I hated but I'm not going to list them down because it's embarrassing. I also have so many negative traits about myself that I've tried to change. Note: tried.

I have officially outgrown and learnt to accept and love my real name. Chisaki is the most recent name and the second name that I've stuck to for a long time because of work and people say it's much easier to remember. I've decided to come clean and tell people my real name. Also, I mentioned before, I've learnt to accept how I look. Instead of disliking how 'young' I look from my actual age, I should totally embrace the youth that I still have because I'm not going to get any younger. And, I learnt to not hate and accept people for their differences, look at everything at a holistic view and think like an anthropologist. As for my bad traits, I'm still lazy, not very smart and also indecisive. But to counter that, I know that I am passionate and hardworking. Instead of saying I'm stubborn, I'll say I'm a determined. Even though some can sound pretty bad, but they are still part of what makes me who I am. If I don't start to love me for who I am, how can anyone else like me for who I am too? See why point number #2 comes into play? Yes. :)

***

I think there are still quite a lot of things I've realized but I can't think of any now. I'm also not going to stop finding and improving myself. This is perhaps the beginning of the next stage in my life. I'm not sure what stage exactly but I know I'm moving forward. All of these are part of what it means to 'grow up and know myself' right?

PS: I've just completed Kirigakure Kuroudo's story in the Otome Game called "Shinobi Koiutsutsu" 「忍び恋うつつ」. I'm still thinking if I should do a review of it. It might expose my inner otaku fangirl. Haha. Ciaos.

Train of Thoughts

I do self-reflections frequently. Before going to bed, when I'm showering, walking to school or walking back home, in a cafe.... Almost anywhere as long as I'm alone by myself. Recently, I do most of it in the train when I have my earpiece on listening to the news and latest tunes on the radio. In the train, I usually get to notice the social behaviours around me and once in a while strange ones. I thought it would be interesting if I were to write what the things I observe and probably have an opinion about but too scared to speak out. Also, the random things I think about when I'm in the train or when I'm out alone in some cafe, and any sort of self-reflections. I mean, I would love to write it down in twitter but I won't be able go back and read it about it 5 years later! I think it would be fun to read how weird my thoughts were 5 years in the future. This is what I came up with when I was in the train home earlier.

They will be tagged under Train of Thoughts. No the most original title but what can I say, I'm awful with creating titles! haha.

• What should I have for dinner? Mcdonalds, Matsuya or some random bento from the supermarket? I could just skip dinner today since I need to be awake for school early tomorrow.

• I hope I can concentrate on my assignments when I get back home. Deadlines are nearing and progress doesn't seem to be in sync with my schedule. Speaking of school, tomorrow is class registration day. I hope I can get the classes I want. Though I'm not a genius in web design, I really hope I get the class because I think it would be a great contribution to my CV.

• I wonder why the train doesn't switch on it's air conditioning. It's so humid in here. It's already summer!! I'm not ready to "endure" this heat like a traditional Japanese when it's so warm and packed with people.

• Is it me or some people on the train feels obliged to look at their iPhones/android because almost everyone is doing it. They don't seem interested in their phones but they are holding it in a position convenient enough to look at it.

• Japan still has this book culture. People still hold books and read them instead of being distracted by their electronics. I find people who still read books in this century to be quite charming. That serious look they have when they are so indulged in the book. I can't help but giggle.

• I just topped-up my commuters pass. I feel really poor now. I need to watch my spending during the summer holidays. Boo.

• I'll be reaching in the next stop. I hope I can squeeze out safely from this crowd. They look like a bunch of really tall trees in the forest and I'm just a tiny hobbit. Well, that's also because I'm sitting down. 

• Lovely tunes on the radio. I still have no decided what to do with dinner. I already had sushi late in the afternoon. Craving satisfied. 

• Ah!! The train reached my stop!! Gotta run!!

I might do this daily or as frequent as I can.

Love,

C